My wife, Allison, and I have spent 28 Christmases together. And every year, between 1995 and 2022, she grew a little wistful on Christmas Eve and said “Someday, I’m going to take you to Radio City Music Hall for their Christmas show.” But we never went. Much of that time, we were living in Chicago, which made the commute tricky. But even after we moved to New Jersey, things got too busy what with all the lying around and staring blankly at the walls, which is what we normally do between Thanksgiving and the week after New Years. Even after our son was born, Allison dreamt of spending an evening in the greatest city on earth, celebrating the holiday no more than a block or two from fake Elmo and the Naked Cowboy. By 2022, her nostalgic musing had turned into full-blown regret. So, on January 1st of 2023, I said to Allison and our son, Nick, “Get dressed. We’re going to New York to Radio City Music Hall.”
So, we did. And my God. My. God. The full title of the show is something like “The Rockettes’ Super Christmas Spectacular Santa Clausathon and Leg Extravaganza” and it’s what might happen if Father Christmas spent the holidays making gingerbread with Timothy Leary and the Beatles.
I had never been to Radio City Music Hall before and it’s magic — just like in that scene from the movie version of “Annie” that wasn’t in the actual stage show. The lobby has giant chandeliers and statues, and the bathrooms are really clean. If you’ve ever used a public restroom in New York, you know just how special this is. Orchestra seats are $60 and hot chocolate at the concession stand is TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS. It has Bailey’s in it and, I assume, liquid cocaine. But still…TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS. If you buy three hot chocolates, that’s more than you paid for your ticket.
Before taking your seat, you are handed a pair of 3D glasses. “But I thought this was a live show?” you ask yourself. Well, buckle-up, my chestnut-roasting friends.
But first, let’s look at the program, shall we? It was $12, which is slightly less than half the cost of a hot chocolate. The full list of cast, crew, and personnel are listed on the last two 8.5 x 11 pages in a 4-point font, and there are approximately one million names.
I seriously can’t get over the price of hot chocolate. Does it come with marshmallows encrusted in gold dust? What the actual hell?
The show opens with two men playing giant Wurlitzer organs. They bookend the stage, which means they are playing the same song despite being approximately one quarter mile away from one another. Then, there’s an announcement welcoming us to the Radio City Christmas Spectacularama and Snow Holiday Joy Jamboree. The voice says, “If a frosty faerie lands in your lap, please give it to an usher!” and you think “What is a frosty faerie and why is it going to land in my lap??” Then a handful of people come on stage to sing a medley of Christmas songs. It’s one of those medleys where approximately three words from every Christmas Carol are slammed together so they can whiz through all of them in 45 seconds. “Angels we have heard on high…Here comes Santa Claus… Manger! Silent! Rudolph!…. There’s no place like hoooome… AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAAAAARRR TREEEEE!”
Then the Rockettes come out, and they are every bit as amazing as their reputation. They kick their legs over and over again at the exact same height every single time. Then they tap dance, and they’re so in sync they sound like one, giant Rockette. Right after that, the orchestra appears on an elevated platform, and they’re so enthusiastic that they look for all the world like a Looney Tunes cartoon orchestra. Then Santa comes out, and all three million people in the audience erupt in applause LIKE HE’S THE REAL SANTA AND HIS APPEARANCE IS A COMPLETE SURPRISE. He tells the audience to put on their 3D glasses and suddenly WE ARE ZIPPING THROUGH THE SKIES OVER NEW YORK! Santa throws a snowball at you and it explodes in your face and I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S REAL ANYMORE.
Then there’s a Nutcracker ballet thing with giant presents and stuffed animals that come to life and a bear does the splits at least 10 times to thunderous applause and really…once you know the giant stuffed bear can even do the splits once, is it really that impressive that they can do it 10 times? Spoiler — IT IS VERY IMPRESSIVE!
Now … I can’t remember when this next bit happened because about 20 minutes into the show, time suddenly had no meaning. But there was a row of wooden soldiers (or, presumably, performers dressed as wooden soldiers), and they get shot at by a cannon. But wait … they don’t explode. Instead, they fall down, one at a time, like dominoes. Really, really slow. Like … really slow. So slow. It takes three hours for all of them to fall down. Or five minutes. I don’t know. But it’s fascinating, then boring, then fascinating all over again. It’s like flipping the channels between “March of the Wooden Soldiers” and CSPAN.
After that, everything gets kinda fuzzy. It’s like if you dropped acid at 11:40 on Christmas Eve and it kicked in just as Santa was coming down the chimney. There are Santas everywhere. At one point, the Santas keep multiplying until there are at least 50 of them. Then there are digital Santas all over the ceiling, and they’re all dancing. Some are upside-down. Which Santas are real? You don’t know! Maybe it’s all of them. MAYBE IT’S NONE OF THEM! MAYBE THE COTTON CANDY THAT YOU BOUGHT FOR YOUR SON THAT YOU’VE BEEN NIBBLING ON IS LACED WITH PCP!
Then, suddenly, we’re in New York, and everyone is singing something like “I love shopping in New York at Christmas!” and this song is about how Santa loves New York more than any other place on earth and he loves New Yorkers more than he loves other people who are not from New York. At one point, there’s a full bus on stage with all the Rockettes and the wheels are turning and the projections behind the bus make it look like it’s careening through the city and you think “So that’s what Midtown would look like if there were no people. Except, you know, a bus full of Rockettes.”
Then we’re in Macy’s, and a little girl with glasses goes up to Santa and asks for a doll with red hair and Santa says, “I’ll make you one with glasses!” Then Santa and his crew get in some steampunk spacecraft and shoot to the North Pole where Santa accidentally forgets to turn off the doll-maker and suddenly there are a quadrillion red-headed dolls with glasses dancing around. They just keep popping up. Every time you think “There can’t possibly be more red-headed dolls with glasses,” there are 10 more. I swear to God, the cast multiplies throughout the show. It’s like every time there’s a scene-change, 12 cast members give birth to adult-sized babies, slap them in red doll suits and glasses and they all start dancing.
THEN JESUS HAPPENS! We lose the Santa/Dolls run amok plotline, and now we’re in Bethlehem and there’s an angel and three wisemen and the baby Jesus and then TWO LIVE CAMELS WALK ACROSS THE STAGE. I would not have been more freaked out if they had started tap dancing. I missed the next 10 minutes because I kept thinking “WHERE DO THE CAMELS LIVE???” Is there a camel stable underneath Radio City Music Hall? I mean … there must be, right??? Where else do they put them? Is there a network of tunnels leading to the Bronx Zoo??
Well, now my brain is melting and I can barely process the next number where everyone sings about being snowflakes, and suddenly the projections start and we are inside a giant snowflake — examining every nook and cranny of a six-story snowflake — when suddenly the frost faeries appear. REMEMBER THEM? GUARD YOUR LAPS! They are lightweight drones that zip over our heads. They look like giant dragonflies, and they are EVERYWHERE! I didn’t even hear the rest of the “We Are All Snowflakes” song because I kept thinking “Isn’t this dangerous?” But then at the end of the song, all the frost faeries sail into the orchestra pit except for the three or four that land in the aisles and are quickly scooped up by the ushers.
Eventually, there’s a curtain call, and all nine billion cast members come out and bow, and the Rockettes kick some more, and the Wurlitzer guys come back, and the orchestra elevator raises into the air, and the lights come back on, and everyone is freaking out because Christmas is the greatest holiday in the history of holidays. We would have left right then, but we stuck around another hour because the lines for the bathrooms were insane. Apparently, the joy of the season makes every single person have to pee. So, Nick and I said goodbye to the only clean restroom in Midtown. Then Allison, Nick, and I headed back to the train.
So, in case there are some of you Scrooges out there that still think Christmas has lost its original spirit of ’60s psychedelia laced with video projections and powdered sugar, give the “Radio City Hyper-Bright Holiday Fest and Glitter Party” a try. You won’t regret it.
David Lee White is a playwright and educator residing in Bordentown. His work has been seen at Passage Theatre, McCarter Theater, the Bucks County Playhouse, Writer’s Theatre and Vivid Stage. His works include “Slippery as Sin,” “Ways to be Happy,” “The OK Trenton Project” and the musicals “ALiEN8” and “Clean Slate” with composer Kate Brennan. For 14 years, he was the Associate Artistic Director of Passage Theatre.
