Call them death notices, life stories, legacies, or the final word on a life lived well — or not. Obituaries — from the Latin obīre, to go towards — have been with us since the Romans circulated papyrus newsletters that included news of the passing of prominent figures. With the advent of print newspapers, obituaries became more inclusive and covered the lives of ordinary people as well as those of politicians and patriclans.
Today, “Obits” span a range of print and electronic media memorializing people from every walk of life. They are, in effect, the definitive summary of your life and legacy and while not legally required, they should be a part of everyone’s end-of-life planning,
Preparing an obituary beforehand may seem a bit morbid to many Americans. Let’s face it, we are not a people that deals comfortably with death. However, Albert Correnti III of the Mather-Hodge Funeral Home in Princeton notes that since the Covid pandemic, pre-planning funeral arrangements has become much more common. “Even when death is expected, this is an extremely sad and stressful time,” he says. “It becomes even more stressful if family members must spend time searching for documents, making decisions about arrangements and in the case of obituaries, finding out important details of the deceased’s life that should be included.”
Correnti also observed that the expense of placing a newspaper obituary and the wide availability of digital options have made print notices less common. Thanks to technology, today’s obituaries will live forever on the Internet and on a variety of platforms. You have many choices as to where your obituary might appear: newspapers, social media, the funeral home’s memorial website, professional journals, organizations, church and alumni publications. Memorial websites offer even more options for a small fee, including photos and videos that can enhance the obituary.
It’s also important for young children to have this information when they are old enough to understand it. Future generations, tracing their ancestry or in search of medical or other information will find obituaries a valuable resource.
For most of us, an obituary is the final word on how we lived and died. It’s also a news story that announces your passing to the community and sums up your achievements, family, commitments and passions. Consequently, accuracy matters — dates, names of parents and surviving family, schools attended, church affiliation, degrees earned, military service, career, honors received, volunteer work, sports, and hobbies. Detailed information about wakes, funeral arrangements, and religious services should be included with clear directions on times and venues. Listing the cause of death is at the complete discretion of the family.
Accuracy suffers when the obituary is hastily pulled together under the stress of loss and pressure of a deadline. In such cases, names may be misspelled and survivors left off the page, sometimes creating rifts that last another lifetime.
While the facts certainly matter, a memorable obituary will include information that gives readers a sense of the deceased’s philosophy, lifestyle, interests, and place in the community.
My cousin Patrick’s obituary was impressive and included all the relevant details of family, career, and community activity. But his family thought it needed something more personal and asked me to edit. Knowing Pat’s eloquence and pride in his Irish roots, I wrote:
“He was proud of his Irish heritage and embodied the best of Celtic culture with his charisma, humor, generous spirit, and eloquence. A gifted speaker, he was equally at home addressing a legislative committee, giving a eulogy, telling a joke, or spinning a tale for his grandchildren. Pat was a big man, with a big voice, and a huge heart.
“The iconic Irish poet, William Butler Yeats wrote: Think where man’s glory most begins and ends, and say my glory was I had such friends. Indeed, Pat counted many devoted friends of differing ages, disciplines and points of view. His loyalty and generosity drew people to him as much as his wit and magnetism. He was the ‘Go to Guy’ for many.”
The New York Times Obituary section has published more than 200,000 obituaries since its beginnings in 1858, and its archives make fascinating reading, Most news outlets have these obituaries already written and keep them updated until the day the subject takes their leave. Unlike family and friends, newspapers have no obligation to avoid speaking ill of the dead when writing the obituaries of the famed or infamous.
One of the most unflattering obituaries I ever read was a scathing send-off of Britain’s Princess Margaret in a major newspaper. The piece focused on her lost loves, unhappy marriage, numerous affairs, diva-like behavior, fondness for Famous Grouse whiskey, chain smoking, epic rudeness, and an unwillingness to perform many of her public duties. When I asked my PR firm’s London clients if this obit was a fair accounting, hoteliers, event organizers, and royal staffers provided additional anecdotes that proved the paper’s point.
It’s not only the famous whose sins may be unmasked in an obituary. The Internet has enabled ordinary people to post their grievances against the deceased in venomous style, and usually, the writer is a child of the deceased.
One of the most brutal remembrances, and one that has served as a template for other revenge obituaries, comes from the family of Dolores Agular.
“Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother.
Another woman unlikely to be up for Mother-of-the-Year was Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick. Her six kids left this memorial:
“She is survived by her 6 of 8 children whom she spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible. While she neglected and abused her small children, she refused to allow anyone else to care or show compassion towards them. When they became adults, she stalked and tortured anyone they dared to love. Everyone she met, adult or child, was tortured by her cruelty and exposure to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit.”
An especially bad Dad, Leslie Ray Charping, was immortalized by his kids with an obit that starts out with a memorable lead that that set the stage for a description of Daddy as a sociopath, guilty of domestic violence, animal cruelty, greed, and recklessness.
“Leslie Ray ‘Popeye’ Charping was born in Galveston, Texas on November 20, 1942 and passed away January 30, 2017, which was 29 years longer than expected and much longer than he deserved.”
Fortunately, “revenge obituaries” are the exception, not the rule. And recently, the media giant Gannett recently apologized for a negative piece that appeared in one of its newspapers and indicated that the matter would be reviewed. All of us care about how we will be remembered and most families want to do right by the deceased. There are many very good reasons to prepare an obituary well before death and to update it periodically. Most important, live well and ethically, make peace with your enemies, and write your own obituary.
Anne Sweeney is a communications consultant and writer based in South Brunswick. She can be reached at aspubrel@aol.com.
