Corrections or additions?
This article by Kathleen McGinn Spring was prepared for the October 16, 2002 edition of U.S. 1 Newspaper. All rights reserved.
How Women Can Win at Negotiations
In their new book, A Woman’s Guide to Successful Negotiating:
How to Convince, Collaborate, and Create Your Way to Agreement (McGraw-Hill),
Lee Miller and his daughter Jessica Miller state that
women’s negotiation style — running to tears, hurt feelings, and
an eagerness to empathize with the other side — damages their
careers.
Jessica Miller, a graduate of Virginia Tech, is an investment banker
with Deutsche Bank Securities in Baltimore. Lee Miller, a graduate
of Harvard Law School, is an adjunct professor of management at Seton
Hall University Business School, where he teaches managerial negotiating.
He speaks on Thursday, October 17, at 5:30 p.m. at the Center for
Human Resources Management Studies at Fairleigh Dickinson. Call 973-443-8577.
In their book, the Millers smoke out the weaknesses that all too often
cause women to avoid negotiation or to use tactics that only win them
ridicule — and give concrete advice on how they can view the process
differently, and thereby score more wins. Here is an excerpt.
Be yourself: But be the best self you can be. Women oftenthink that good negotiators act tough, scream, know all the tricks,and outsmart their opponents. So if they are seeking to be successfulnegotiators, that is who they try to become. It usually doesn’t work.Why not? In the first place, that type of negotiating doesn’t evenwork for most men, despite the fact that many of them adopt that style.Women are generally more successful when they negotiate if they don’ttry to “negotiate like a man.” To be successful, choose anegotiating style that makes you feel comfortable and reflects whoyou are.Although ultimatums, threats, screaming, stonewalling, taking extremepositions, and other hardball tactics do not work for most women,that does not mean that women cannot be tough negotiators. In fact,you can be even tougher than a man and get away with it, if you doit right. Acting the part of the “tough negotiator” is differentfrom delivering a tough message. You can deliver that message firmlybut in a way that you feel comfortable with, or you can find otherways to have it delivered, such as having someone else deliver itfor you. What you cannot do is be something you’re not. Worse, negotiatinglike a man can conjure up the negative stereotype that for lack ofa better word we will refer to as the “bitch” stereotype.The reality is, women are held to a different standard than men. Itis important to ask for what you want, but how you ask matters. Forexample, men react negatively when a woman presents them with an ultimatum.Telling them quietly and firmly, and as often as necessary, that youreally need something accomplishes the same objective without causinga negative reaction.It doesn’t hurt to ask: Almost everything is negotiable.The biggest mistake women make is not to negotiate. Many women lookat situations in terms of decisions they have to make, not opportunitiesto negotiate. They either accept the offer or turn it down. Thereare many reasons why this happens, but often women simply fail torealize that they can question what is being offered and ask for somethingelse. Successful women understand that almost everything is negotiablealthough you do not want to negotiate everything. They know how topick their battles. But when they choose to accept something withoutnegotiating, it is a conscious decision. Remember, if you do not askfor what you want, you are unlikely to get it.Negotiate for yourself as if you were negotiating for someoneelse.Because women tend to view things in the context of relationships,they take things personally. Asking for things for themselves becomesmore difficult because if they are turned down, they see it as a personalrejection. Even women who are excellent negotiators may find it difficultto negotiate well on their own behalf.Sometimes just recognizing that you have a tendency to put others’needs ahead of your own is enough to change your behavior. Put yourselfoutside yourself: See yourself as negotiating for someone else. Askyourself what you would do if you were advocating for someone else.Before you begin, give yourself a little pep talk. Sit down and makea list of the reasons why you deserve what you are asking for.Many young girls are taught that if people care about you, they willgive you what you want without your asking. That may be true for children,but as an adult, if you don’t ask for it, you generally don’t getit. Most people, even those who care about you, cannot read your mind.Let them know what you want. Our guess is that what you want is notonly reasonable but also probably much less than you could actuallyget. Never be embarrassed to ask for what you want. Be as forcefulan advocate for yourself as your would be if you were negotiatingfor someone else.Master the details, but be flexible and never lose sightof your ultimate goal.Most women are detail oriented. This can be a major strength, andoften one reason why successful women have been able to get to wherethey are.Being better prepared than the people you are dealing with can giveyou a huge advantage. Preparation often enables women to get the respectthey need to negotiate on a level playing field with men. Men aremuch less forgiving of women who make mistakes with the facts thanthey are with men under similar circumstances. Moreover, the betterprepared you are, the more convincing you will be.On the other hand, women sometimes get so caught up in the detailsthat they lose sight of what they are trying to achieve. When youare trying to persuade someone to your point of view, it is importantto focus on the details that are important to them. Edit your points.Just because you know something doesn’t mean everyone needs to knowit. If you share too much information, you lose your audience.Be empathetic, but not too empathetic.Women tend to be better listeners than men and to more readily graspthe other side’s position. As mentioned, they treat negotiations asa prelude to a continuing relationship. For that to occur, the otherparty has to walk away from the negotiations feeling good about whatthey have agreed to. Understanding how the other person perceivesthe situation is an important first step. Men tend to be more taskoriented. They care about the other person’s feelings only to theextent that those feelings are relevant to the successful conclusionof the negotiation at hand. Men negotiate, reach agreement, and moveon to their next task.Women seldom draw such strict boundaries between negotiations andrelationships beyond the negotiations. For women, developing an enduringrelationship can be as important as the outcome of the negotiationsitself.However, women sometimes fall into the trap of being too empathetic.They put themselves in the other person’s shoes. They have been raisedto do that. That is how they get hurt. They know how they would feeland can feel the hurt they cause. They instinctively want to fix it,but once others realize that, they can use it to get what they want.Men are not above using empathetic feelings to gain an advantage.Understanding the other side’s position is not the same thing as allowingyourself to be convinced that their position should prevail, especiallyif that would work to your detriment. Empathy is about understandingtheir needs, not necessarily about giving them what they want. Useyour empathy to understand the other person’s needs, but never losesight of your own.Be willing to say no, but don’t be too willing to acceptno for an answer.”No” is the most powerful word in negotiating, but many womenhave difficulty saying it. They want to keep everyone happy. Theywant to avoid conflict. They want to be liked. They want to please.To be a good negotiator, you must be able to say no. You can say itwithout damaging your relationship with the other party. It all dependson how you say it. When you say no it must be firm, and it must becredible. Choosing the right words will make both easier.There are a lot of ways to say no. For example, you might say, “Tom,I really want to work with you on this, but I can’t agree to whatyou are suggesting. How about…” or “Tom, I don’t think thatwill work because …. Have you considered…?” Of course, ithelps if you can provide sound reasons why you are saying no. Sometimes,though, you won’t be able to articulate a good reason. You simplydo not want to agree to whatever is being asked of you, be it goingout on a date, volunteering to run the PTA dance, or discounting theprice of your services. In those instances, just say no — nicely,politely, and firmly.Lighten up: A little humor goes a long way.In every negotiation, there are critical moments when things can goone of two ways: well or not so well. You may be having a seriousdisagreement, or the person with whom you are talking may be takingan unreasonable position. Tension fills the room. It looks as if everythingis about to fall apart. Then someone says something funny, and themoment passes.The purpose of using humor when you negotiate is not just to get alaugh but also to ease tension. Having a sense of humor makes peoplewant to be around you.Accept human nature, don’t fight it.When you negotiate, you must take into consideration the other party’sbiases. Your job is not to change the people with whom you are dealing.Your job is to understand them so you can figure out how best to achieveyour objectives. One aspect of preparing your negotiating strategyis to take into consideration the biases of your intended audienceso that you can determine whether you are the best person to handlethe negotiation. This requires knowing yourself as well as knowingthe people you are dealing with.Previous StoryNext StoryCorrections or additions?This page is published by PrincetonInfo.com— the web site for U.S. 1 Newspaper in Princeton, New Jersey.
