Announcer: How many times have you been tormented by the curse of split cuticles?
Woman (looks down at the cuticles on her right hand and mutters): My cuticles, they’re split! What can I do about it?
Announcer: For centuries, even millennia, the answer was nothing. There was nothing you could do to avoid those ugly, painful, revolting split cuticles.
But now there’s Cute-o-blast, the miracle pill that heals split cuticles and makes your hands look like new — the way they looked when you were thirty, twenty, ten, or even when you were a fetus. Taken four times a day, every day for a decade and a half, Cute-o-blast restores the youthful, healthy look that your husband, wife, or civil partner expects from a with-it, on-the-go kind of person like you.
(In a more serious voice): Cute-o-blast isn’t for everyone. Common side effects are: indigestion, constipation, diarrhea, stiff joints, muscle cramps, trouble eating, trouble sleeping, trouble breathing, or trouble remembering where you live or what your name is.
Other side effects may include falling arches, falling hair, falling earlobes, reduced sexual appetite, reduced hearing, reduced vision, palpitations, heat prostrations, menstruations, eviscerations, and League of Nations, plus nausea, vomiting, and, on rare occasions, transmutation into a zebra.
If you experience any of these symptoms, consult your doctor at once.
Remember: if split cuticles are the bane of your love life and the ruination of your very existence, Cute-o-blast is for you. Taken four times a day, every day for a decade and a half, and provided that you don’t die or turn into a vegetable with an IQ of -3, Cute-o-blast is the perfect medicine for you.
Cute-o-blast: an FDA-approved distillate from the British Petroleum Company.
(In a much lower voice): Cute-o-blast is not available along the Gulf Coast.
A Princeton resident, Cheiten has contributed plays, short stories and poems to the U.S. 1 Summer Fiction issue. His romantic comedy, “Miss Connections,” was produced in June at the Off-Broadstreet Theater in Hopewell. Another Cheiten play, “Oh Deer,” will be staged at Theatre Intime August 20-22 and 27-29.